Shrink Wrapped: C.M. Saunders Edition

As we’ve already explained in previous interviews, this is not a meet the author and find out all the writerly things he does kind of thing. Instead, we took questions a doctor or cop searching for a serial killer might ask and tweaked them a little.

Christian bio picToday, we’re grilling C.M. Saunders (also known as Christian or ‘little bitch’ around here). He writes horror fiction and he talks funny. Everything is just a big, twisty, dark thing to him. Everything.

* Katrina, he’s doing it again. Where’s the restraints? No, he won’t get it on you. Christ… have to do everything myself…*

 Anyway, Mr. Saunders is releasing a collection of dark fiction in January, 2017, and we highly recommend you give it a read. For now, check out his most recent work in Deadman’s Tome. It’s gooey.

Now, let’s get to analyzing Christian.

When you get mad, do you:

  • Get even

  • Lash out

  • Pitch a tantrum, and then get over it

  • Do nothing.  

Please explain.

I always had a low tolerance level for assholery. People don’t always set out to be assholes, and sometimes they don’t even know they are doing it. I can accept a certain amount of that, people being the imperfect creatures that we are. It’s the deliberate, pre-meditated assholery that gets on my tits. Liars, cheats, users. As a younger, more hotheaded man, I would definitely lash out. Problem being, I’m not that tough so I usually got my ass kicked. These days, being older and wiser, if someone pisses me off I pay some guys to ‘take care of the problem,’ thereby saving myself the hassle and a lot of potentially damaging court cases. I do believe in karma. If you are a cunt, you’ll get fucked eventually.

How would you explain 2 Girls, 1 Cup to an alien? (Editor’s Note: Please don’t Google this kids)

I don’t know what that is. Kidding. Okay, I would tell the aliens it’s a film depicting some perfectly normal human behaviour. The kind most of us do on a daily basis, usually before breakfast. Then the aliens might fuck off and leave us alone.

Kevin Spacey or Kevin Bacon? Explain. (Note: The status of our relationship will be affected significantly by your answer.)

I’m guessing you want me to say Spacey. But I’m going to say Bacon just to piss you off. Nah, I really would choose the Bacon. Now I have to justify it? No problem. One word. Footloose. That was a seminal 80’s flick, right up there with the Breakfast Club and the Risky Business. There’s also the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon to consider. For those who don’t know, it’s a game based on the Six degrees of Separation theory. There’s a website called the Oracle of Kevin Bacon where you type in any name and it will link it to KB. Except mine, apparently. There isn’t an Oracle of Kevin Spacey. Know why? Because he isn’t cool enough. He might be the pretentious arty poser’s favourite, because of Usual Suspects and not much else, but he will never win the people’s vote. There are reasons for that. Ask anyone to name five Kevin Spacey films without Googling. They won’t be able to do it. Two more things that help my case is that Bacon was in the original Friday the 13th film. Not many people know that. And the killer is that he’s in a band with his brother. They are called the Bacon Brothers.

* Actually, I was hoping you’d say Bacon, because of Footloose. Our relationship remains strong and weird. For the record, Kevin Spacey is amazing and cool, and doesn’t get the respect and admiration he deserves. By admiration, I mean lustful fantasies. I love him. *

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Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?

Yes and no. I firmly believe there is much more to this world than a lot of us realize. But sticking a label on it would be a mistake. Things happen that we can’t explain. People see or experience weird shit all the time, and it’s usually easier to ignore the problem rather than try to address it. Charles Fort talked about having a ‘procession of the damned.’ By ‘damned’ he meant data mainstream science has deliberately excluded because it doesn’t fit the accepted theory. His mission was to collect this data and bring it to light, and he did a pretty good job. Don’t get me wrong, the world of the so-called paranormal is filled with bullshit. A lot of what you hear or see, especially in shows like Ghosthunters, isn’t what it appears to be. But I always say even if 99% is fabrication, disinformation, or plain old lies, the remaining 1% proves the existence of ‘something else’ and that’s all you need. Do I believe ghosts are the returning spirits of dead people? No. But there’s definitely something fucking going on.

* Oh, there’s something going on all right… *

Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t actually attracted to? Since I know your answer is yes, I’m just going to go ahead and ask you why you did it?

Alcohol.

* Enough said.*

Time for the Ink Blot. Tell us, Christian, what do you see in this?

christians-blot

I really wanted to see a panda. I like pandas a lot. It was close. But to be honest, I saw an alien’s skull.

Really? Hmm. *puts the straitjacket away* Thanks for playing along. You can pick up your prescription from the dwarf on the way out. Don’t look him in the eye.

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Shrink Wrapped: Katrina Monroe Edition

As we’ve already explained in previous interviews, this is not a meet the author and find out all the writerly yawn-fest things she does kind of thing. Instead, we took questions a doctor or cop searching for a serial killer might ask and tweaked them a little. It’s been enlightening… and disturbing.

katrinaKatrina Monroe (Saete) is hilarious. Let’s just get that out of the way so I can get paid. Her most recent book, ALL DARLING CHILDREN, is possibly THE BEST THING EVER, so you should pick it up. If you’re a pussy who can’t handle some darkness, I have to ask what you’re doing here. Seriously, get out.

Now, she helped compile these questions, but had no control over what ones she got. She doesn’t like big surprises, so we had to do it that way or there’d be another “incident.”

Let’s see what we scraped out of her head.

What would you do if you found a dead body in your lover’s freezer?

Since my lover’s freezer is also my freezer, I would probably wonder if I’d been sleepwalking again. A person can only take so much Ambien before the dreams start showing up in the daytime. Wait. Is this a dream?

*Yes. Shouldn’t you be naked? *

Tom Hiddleston or Tom Cruise? Explain your answer

TOM CRUISE IS A BASTARD. YOU TELL HIM THAT. YOU TELL HIM AND THAT ASSHOLE ATTORNEY OF HIS THAT I WON’T BE BOUGHT, YOU HEAR ME?

dean-grimace

*Still upset about the “Tom” thing. Noted. *

 You’re stranded. Maybe it’s the end of the world. Who knows. What matters is the food situation is pretty damn sketchy. You’re starving. Your friends (no family survived. Sorry about your loss) are starving. Through a few heated rounds of rock, paper, scissors, it’s been decided you’re the first to be eaten. Would you rather they eat you piece by piece, keeping you alive, so you can also eat, thus ensuring everyone has a better chance at survival, even though you’ll have to eat yourself and watch others eating you, and probably lose a few limbs, or do you want them to just kill you and do what they must with your body?

You’re a sick fuck, Miller. Kill me and get it over with.

*We promised no judgments here, didn’t we? THIS IS A SAFE PLACE TO TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS. REMEMBER?! *

Have you ever lied about something just because you knew you could get away with it? Care to elaborate?

When I was in college, I decided to see how long I could get away with pretending to be British. Turns out the answer is a long fucking time, because I went to college in Florida, where high IQs are about as plentiful as snowfall.

*I love British accents. I bet they were all blinded by your sexiness. *

Tomorrow you wake up and you’re the opposite gender. What’s the first thought that comes to your mind and the first thing you do?

“Does this mean I get paid more now?” And, I’d probably pee on something. Because, duh.

*I’d pee on EVERYTHING. *

Now, tell me what you see in this picture:

katrinas-blot

The ink blot is obviously two pigs, snouts thrust up in the air, fighting over an ugly dress.

I can’t believe you guessed what it was. Amazing.

Thanks for coming out. The dwarf has your meds. No, you may not have the knives back. They’re community property now. Maybe next time you’ll respect boundaries.

Calm Your Tits and Just Feel the Tingle

by Renee Miller

 

I can say calm your tits, because I have a vagina, so piss off.

Today, I want to discuss the Hugo awards and all the shit festering around them this year. But first, let me be completely clear: I don’t support the sad, rabid puppies or whatever ridiculous name they go by these days. Maybe I’ll start further back, in case some of you are living under rocks, and explain a little about these groups.

The Sad Puppies is a movement that claims to want to make the Hugos great again. They campaign against the Hugos limiting what genre fiction should be. But while they claim to want to diversify, when you break down their comments, rants and such, you’ll see they’re essentially about defining the science fiction genre by excluding all who don’t fit into their rather limited ideology, which, it seems, includes only stories about space exploration (whether they’re well written or not). Of course, that’s just my opinion, which is humble and mostly unimportant, because I don’t share the religious or political views of the Sad Puppies.

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So, let’s discuss the Rabid Puppies… those naughty dogs.

They appear to be a group of individuals who oppose diversity and would rather live in a white male dominated world. Wait…

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Never mind that. My take, after reading countless blogs, comments, articles, etc. is that they’re essentially trolls that aren’t worth stressing over.

Some people say the Sad Puppies are merely a front for the Rabid Puppies. Some, including both groups, claim they’re separate entities with similar beliefs. I don’t know what the truth is. For me, the fact that the Puppies, sad or rabid, exist at all is sad, and I don’t support their movement or anything they’ve done. Hear me, people who skim and don’t read everything all the way through? I DO NOT SUPPORT THE PUPPIES. Got it? All right.

Why are we discussing them at all then? Well, for the second year in a row, the SP/RP have “gamed” the Hugo Award nominations, which, for those in the sci-fi and fantasy industry, is a pretty big deal, by getting Chuck Tingle’s Space Raptor Butt Invasion nominated for a Hugo Award. When I saw the nomination, I laughed. Hard. I laughed some more. And then I wiped my eyes and realized people are pissed about it.

PISSED.

hulk

 

 

Some feel Mr. Tingle should bow out. Let someone “more deserving” be eligible.

Hmm.

Let’s look at the word “deserving.” Who decides that? Not me. Not you. Well, sort of. Deserving is a subjective term. (For those of you who get subjective and objective confused, subjective means based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinion.) What I feel is deserving, someone else might say, “Hmmm, no.” and vice versa. Deserving is a matter of opinion.

Moving on.

The Puppies wanted outrage, I imagine. They wanted a shit storm. In some ways, they got it. Lots of folks out there are suffering panty bunching of epic proportions, but for the most part, what this little stunt got was amusement. Why? Mr. Tingle is a pretty popular guy, and if you’ve taken the time to read his work, you’d see why. He’s fucking hilarious. Weird. Raunchy. Deliberately ridiculous. And did I mention he’s fucking hilarious. Anyone who has a sense of humor about things finds the whole thing at least a little bit funny.

And let’s remember, if any of you are still experiencing issues of bunched panties, last year the Puppies didn’t get their way. Not entirely. Last year, Hugo voters chose to give no award in several categories that were dominated by Puppy nominees. Yes, this ensured “deserving” authors didn’t win either, but let’s remember, the Puppy nominees also went without an award, which wasn’t their intention.

I’m bored with the Puppy discussion. Are you? Cool. Let’s move on. I decided before I offer my opinion on this matter, I should read Chuck Tingle’s Raptor Butt book. You know, so I could fully appreciate his deservingness (not a word, I know) of the nomination. In my humble opinion, it’s not terrible. The setting is good. It had some backstory, some “feels.” It had pretty decent dialogue, and the sex was kind of okay. All right, the sex was funny.

With lines like,

“You ever think about what it would be like to fuck a human.”

“Yeah, I mean, who hasn’t?”

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And…

“Pound me like the homo spaceboy that I am.”

oh my

It’s comedic gold. And after laughing my way through Raptor Butts, I picked up his follow up, Slammed in the Butt by My Hugo Award Nomination. Yes, it’s ridiculous and raunchy, but he takes some shots at himself and the erotica genre. For example:

“At the end of the day, this is still gay erotica, you’re gonna have to get pounded.”

And when the MC tries to “get to know” his Hugo Award nomination, the barista who is the author replies,

“It’s cute, I get it, but we like to come in at four to five thousand words for these things. A date’s probably going to push us over the word count.”

And then there’s lines like:

“Sure, he’s penetrating deep within my throat, but he’s also penetrating my heart.”

applause

What I’m saying is I admire Mr. Tingle’s comedic talent. That’s not an easy thing to master.

And I think for other authors to demand he withdraw (pun intended) is ridiculous. For one, he didn’t nominate himself (or did he?), so why should he? This is on the Hugo voters to sort out. Just as they’ll have to sort out other unfortunate nominations. I mean, a lot of people are pissed that My Little Pony got a nod too. Let’s remember, short form is usually full of comic book shows, not a cartoon about rainbow pony magic and shit. So imagine the outrage when those happy little fuckers got a nod. (I hope the sarcasm in these lines is translating here.)

pony jerk off

At the end of the day, this isn’t about an erotic comedy author usurping the Hugo award nominations. It’s not about deserving or not deserving. This is about politics, as most awards are. Sorry, guys, but speculative fiction awards (as well as awards in most other genres) is often politically driven. The awards rarely go to “deserving” authors (unless that author is Stephen King), and as long as popularity and politics play a factor, it will always be an unfair process. Am I whining? Never. It is what it is. (And what it is, is an ass load of bullshit.) Oh, almost forgot: that’s my humble opinion.

Don’t worry about Mr. Tingle or the ponies. If they win, well, then you can get the riot gear ready. Don’t forget to kiss your mamas goodbye, boys. Odds are, though, Raptor Butts and Pony Love won’t win, because the universe isn’t that funny.

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