Not Quite a Fortnight of Festive Deviant Delights

That’s quite a mouthful, eh? Well, buckle up, bitches. The shit show that is our Christmas promotion begins today. Click on the festive image below to visit our event page, where all the fun begins.

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A little nervous about clicking strange links? Well, I’ll tell you what’s happening. Because Christmas is a big deal, the Dolls wanted to do something a little different from the typical virtual party. This year, we’ve concocted a game for you all to play. Winners will receive some pretty awesome prizes, and the rest of you will just have some good not so clean fun.

The event page will be open on Facebook throughout, so you’re all welcome to comment, ask questions, and play some reindeer games of your own. DDP authors will be checking the page periodically and updating prizes, maybe posting mini-games, etc.

So this time, we’re playing a game that lasts 12 days. I know, WTF, right? But listen, it’s easy. Each day of this shit show, we’re going to feature a Deviant Dolls author or a publisher/group at least one of us are affiliated with. (For example, DarkFuse is giving up a pretty awesome prize, as well as Authors & Dragons). We’ll also ask you guys three questions. The answers to those questions will be relevant to whoever/whatever is featured that way.

Rules of the Game

Follow the day’s featured author on Twitter. (So if it’s Renee’s day, you follow her on Twitter. We’ll give you the Twitter handles as well on her feature day.)

You can like their page on Facebook too, if you feel so inclined. You might also find it helpful to follow Deviant Dolls on Twitter (@DeviantDollsPub), because many clues or hints will be given there as well.

Check in here (the event page) around noon December 11th to December 22nd. On the first day, which is today, we’ll welcome everyone and try to answer any questions you might have. The game will not begin today, but there may be a couple of freebies up for grabs.

On December 12th, we’ll feature the first author, which means we’ll post the first question you must answer. These questions will be posted at the same time each day. (12:00pm EST) The clue to the answer to said question will be found within an hour of posting on the author’s (or DDP’s) Twitter page. When you think you have the answer, message us on the Deviant Dolls Facebook page, and if you’re correct, you’ll receive the second question.

Now, the second question will be a little more difficult, because you may not receive any clues to the answer, but a few of us aren’t hardasses and will leave crumbs for you on social media. Anyway, when you think you have the correct answer for question two, message us again, and if you’re correct, you’ll receive the final question.

When you have the answer to the final question, send a message again. The reader who gets all three correct answers the fastest (our messages are all time-stamped, yay, technology!) wins the prize. In the event of a tie, then we will use a skill testing question or something ridiculous to decide the winner.

When someone has won, we’ll announce it here, on this page.

On the final day, there will be no questions. It’s a day of shits and giggles on the event page, where bonus prizes for runners-up will be given, so if you want play until you’ve answered all questions, that’s fine too. Only way to be a runner up is to officially answer all questions for at least one day.

There you go. Come on over to Facebook and play with us.

 

 

 

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Shrink Wrapped: Hanna Elizabeth Edition

hannaHanna may look sweet, but she’s hiding the keys to the dungeon in her bra and a shank she whittled from a baby goat femur in her hair. Don’t get to close. Don’t stick your fingers in the cage. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Probably safer to admire her from afar, like between the pages of her newest release, THE MAN UPSTAIRS.

Who do you think would be better in bed, Jennifer Lawrence or Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Since I have a HUGE crush on Jennifer Lawrence, I have to pick her. Besides, Jennifer Love Hewitt is so small and fragile looking I’m afraid I’d break her.

*See what I meant? Back away slowly. And someone grab that cardboard cutout of JLaw’s head.*

If tomorrow we got rid of Arbor day and replaced it with another pointless holiday, what would that holiday be?

My birthday, of course. That’s December 18th. You should mark that on your calendar.

*Why does it say, ‘Kill them all; Eat their souls’ the day after?*

There’s a woman standing at your door. Do you:

a) Let her in for a cuppa and your mom’s famous whiskey-soaked coffee cake

b) Giggle maniacally while your resident lizard slowly eats the dead skin from her body

c) Stare through the peep hole, slowly dwindling to madness as you realize she’s not a woman at all, but a cyborg sent to recruit you into the Tupperware Action Clan.

Definitely B. I have hundreds of lizards – they might not stop at the dead skin. I’ve trained them better than that.

oh my

*Reminds me of that scene in Goldmember. You know, with the guy who eats dead skin? WHO WANTS LUNCH?*

Tequila or Sake? Explain.

Tequila – I’m a lot more fun with Tequila. Shooters!

*Put the guns away, Forbes. She didn’t mean those shooters. I don’t think.*

Are you a hugger? Why or why not?

Yes. I am a HUGE hugger. Mostly, it’s to feel people up, but I think it’s good for the soul too.

*YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO FATTEN MINE UP SO YOU CAN STEAL IT. Don’t fucking lie to me, dear, I saw it on the calendar!*

Quick, someone grab all the sharp things—Renee, you get the chloroform—while I distract her with this pretty picture. Here, Hanna, look at the picture. NO DON’T LOOK AWAY. What do you see?

hanna-blot

I see the Predator Alien and it’s kinda creeping me the fuck out.

*Good.*

Shrink Wrapped: Frank E. Bittinger Edition

Say hello to Frank. Don’t worry. He usually doesn’t bite hard.

frankFrank is our newest member, and he’s fitting in quite well, except for that thing he does with his—never mind. Check out his most recent publication Rhayven House to get an idea of the sort of shit that rolls around his head.

We were a little nervous about digging around in there, by the way, but here goes…

Have you ever peed in the woods? Pooped? Why would you poop in the woods?

I have peed in the woods on a number of occasions. It harkens back to the pioneering spirit in all of us; however, I have never pooped in the woods. I have no explanation for this. Perhaps because whipping out one’s wiener to unleash a stream of urine is far simpler than shoving one’s pants down and squatting to void one’s bowels. And then there is also the possibility of there not being any toilet paper available in the woods and should one run the risk of using various leaves to wipe, then one runs the risk of getting poison ivy or some such on one’s asshole. And I cannot imagine how that would be pleasant in any form or fashion.

*One time, on a road trip when I was young and stupid, I peed in the woods, fell over, because I may have been drunk, and got poison ivy all over my lady bits. It’s not pleasant at all. NOT. AT. ALL. *

 How would you explain spray cheese to an alien?

Why the hell would you ask me a question about an alien? Dude, it’s like you don’t know about my overwhelming fear of being abducted in the wee hours of the morning by the goddamned Grays! What the hell?! Try to be a little more sensitive to others.

*We knew about this fear, and we told you, it’s never going to be resolved until you face it. PS: You’re scheduled for a probe at noon. Use the enema we gave you. Trust me. *

Have you ever heard people talking to you or about you when no one was present? Are you medicated?

Not only have I heard people talking to me or about me when no one else was present, but I have held entire conversations with these voices and together we can perform “Hallelujah” better than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

tom-hiddleston

*Note to self: Start drugging Frank’s food and drinks. Heavily. *

You’re walking down the street and see a single shoe on the sidewalk. What happened to the other shoe?

You might not believe the serendipity of you asking me this question. This just happened to me. It was a size 7 shoe with a red sole, so you know it was one of those fancy brands. I was minding my own business, just out hoping someone would fondle me without my permission, and I happened upon this mysterious shoe.  As I stood there pondering the questions of why the shoe was there, what is my place in the universe, and did the new pants I had on showcase my package as nicely as I thought they did, wouldn’t you know it?! This hot cop came to retrieve the shoe. See, it was part of a suspicious death scene and it had been left behind. Along with the one leg. What happened to the other shoe, you ask? It was picked up and taken with the other evidence at the scene to be processed. At least that’s my understanding of the situation. I really wasn’t paying too much attention to the words coming out of his month. Instead, I was just standing there having a fantasy about him.

*I bet he had a British accent. Sigh. *

And now for the sex stuff:

Have you ever paid for sex? Been paid? Do you think it’s fair to charge someone for sex? Please, explain your answer in as much detail as necessary.

I have never paid for sex. And I have never been paid for sex. I’ve always utilized a barter system, and I find that works the best in these situations. I couldn’t imagine charging someone for sex when you can utilize and exchange of goods for services. Think of the tax consequences of paying for or getting paid for sex. I mean, I can understand the write-offs you could list on your long form, but if you do it the way our ancestors would have and trade, you will totally discover bartering is the way to go. I mean, that’s what this country was built on, and that’s also why we built all those forts–so people could barter. You’d know all about this if you had only paid attention in history class or watched the History Channel once in a while.

*Personally, I’d rather be paid for sex. No trade. Cash. Up front. Thank you very much. *

Not that we need to dig any further, but we’re here now, so tell us what you see in this picture:

franks-blot

The ink blot gave me palpitations. Or, it would have if I wasn’t missing my hollow, muscular pump…and by that, I’m not referring to Christian.

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No, it brought to mind my intense and overwhelming fear of alien abduction. Not by the Reptilians, because I’ve always been fond of reptiles and iguanas in particular, but rather by those goddamned sneaky-ass Grays. See, late at night I watch marathons of all these alien shows where victims of abduction and visitation explain how they get woken up from a sound sleep by some alien, no pun intended, noise. When they look at the clock, it’s almost always 3 AM, and then they look around their bedroom and come ultimately face to face with the Grays. So now just imagine how I feel when I get woken up by a noise I can’t explain. I sit up in the darkness and wonder what it was. Then I look over at the clock on my bedside table–on the left of the bed because only heathens keep their clock on the bedside table on the right–and see it reads 3 AM. And then I get totally terrified and close my eyes real tight and refuse to look around the room because I know all the key factors are in place and the goddamned Grays are lurking in my room to seize this opportunity to abduct me. That’s what the ink blot reminds me of.

Well then. *gets the jacket ready* Why don’t you go with Katrina to that nice, dark room over there. (Katrina, is the generator ready?) She’s going to put those nice stickers with the festive wires on your head. Yes, Christian finds those VERY hot. Go on.

Shrink Wrapped: Renee Miller Edition

(Interview conducted by Katrina Monroe)

When vodka becomes sentient and decides to drink all of US for a change, Renee Miller will be the only one left standing, provided she finds a suitable straw in time. She writes what she lives and that is Fucked Up Shit that ping-pongs between funny as hell and the kind of shit you tell your therapist about. MIND FUCK is of the former; HUNGER is of the latter.

bio-drinkingSTOP FIDGETING, Renee. I was only kidding about the vodka. OKAY. Okay. Fine. You can have some. But you have to share.

When was the last time you saw something that wasn’t there? How could you be sure it wasn’t there in the first place? What’s that pill bottle you keep shaking?

I saw something just the other day. It was a shadow, sort of. When I turned it was gone, so I assumed it wasn’t there. I guess I can’t be sure of that. Maybe my house is haunted.

What pill bottle?

*You can’t fit that entire bottle in your—okay, I guess you can. Still a shitty hiding spot.*

How would you explain ugly Christmas sweaters to an alien?

I have a hard time explaining those to myself. Should an alien ask during my pre-probe interrogation, I’d just bend over and wait.

*Standard operating procedure then, eh?*

You’re walking down the street and you see a human hand blocking a storm drain. Do you assume it’s real or fake? Why?

I assume it’s fake, so I can keep walking. Then, when I’m a safe distance away, I’ll consider that my assumption was wrong and try to figure out where it came from. I didn’t leave it there, that’s for sure and I resent the implication.

*Because you’re SO CAREFUL about your discards, right? Do we need to bring up the couch incident?*

You’re stranded on a desert island with the last five people you talked to. Cannibalism is inevitable, so let’s skip to the good stuff. Who gets eaten first?

So, I’d be stranded with you (Katrina), Christian, my daughter, a lovely woman named Laurie and Mike, who works in frozen foods at our grocery store. I won’t be eaten first, because I’m an aggressive personality and I only get worse when I’m hungry, so good luck trying to eat me, Katrina. Get that out of your head right now.

*I will not and you can’t make me.*

Christian talks fancy, so I’d like to keep him around for a while. He’d probably be second or third, depending on how he plays his cards. My daughter is obviously not on the menu, because I ruined my bikini body to give her life. Not taking it away just yet. Laurie would be chewy, so she’d have to marinate too long, and I was going to say I could never eat you, but then I laughed, because… never mind.

It’d have to be Mike. I’m sure he’ll understand.

*Working in frozen foods does give you a certain viewpoint toward life. *

Now that you’re full, it’s sexin’ time. Same five people (though I guess we’re down one, aren’t we?), which one will end up under the banana-leaf shelter for a night of grunting with you? Why?

Ha! Well, again, the kid is out. Mike’s dead, and I’m not into that shit. Laurie would probably stab me for trying, so it’s between you and Christian. How about both? Is that greedy? Come on. I bet it’d be a learning experience for all of us.

painted whore

*Unless Christian somehow grew a vagina (wouldn’t THAT be a trick), no thanks. Although, if he were to be a distant participant, VERY distant, and he closed his eyes… No. Never mind. I’ll just wait over here roasting bits of Mike thigh.*

Drop the bottle, Miller. You’re not quite done yet. Take a look at this. With both eyes, please, you’re not a fucking pirate. What do you see?

ink-blot-1

I saw this picture once of a dog costume on Amazon, but I can’t find it now. Basically, it’s a baby costume. When you put it on your dog the poor thing looks like some kind of horrific alien doll thing, and it’s pissed at you. Probably going to shit in your boots or something. Maybe eat your face off while you sleep.

*If you so much as look at my cat that way again, you and I will have words. Also, I’m pretty sure Christian is squatting over your shoe. Going to need to take care of that. No, it’s not my fault. Just go.*

Shrink Wrapped: C.M. Saunders Edition

As we’ve already explained in previous interviews, this is not a meet the author and find out all the writerly things he does kind of thing. Instead, we took questions a doctor or cop searching for a serial killer might ask and tweaked them a little.

Christian bio picToday, we’re grilling C.M. Saunders (also known as Christian or ‘little bitch’ around here). He writes horror fiction and he talks funny. Everything is just a big, twisty, dark thing to him. Everything.

* Katrina, he’s doing it again. Where’s the restraints? No, he won’t get it on you. Christ… have to do everything myself…*

 Anyway, Mr. Saunders is releasing a collection of dark fiction in January, 2017, and we highly recommend you give it a read. For now, check out his most recent work in Deadman’s Tome. It’s gooey.

Now, let’s get to analyzing Christian.

When you get mad, do you:

  • Get even

  • Lash out

  • Pitch a tantrum, and then get over it

  • Do nothing.  

Please explain.

I always had a low tolerance level for assholery. People don’t always set out to be assholes, and sometimes they don’t even know they are doing it. I can accept a certain amount of that, people being the imperfect creatures that we are. It’s the deliberate, pre-meditated assholery that gets on my tits. Liars, cheats, users. As a younger, more hotheaded man, I would definitely lash out. Problem being, I’m not that tough so I usually got my ass kicked. These days, being older and wiser, if someone pisses me off I pay some guys to ‘take care of the problem,’ thereby saving myself the hassle and a lot of potentially damaging court cases. I do believe in karma. If you are a cunt, you’ll get fucked eventually.

How would you explain 2 Girls, 1 Cup to an alien? (Editor’s Note: Please don’t Google this kids)

I don’t know what that is. Kidding. Okay, I would tell the aliens it’s a film depicting some perfectly normal human behaviour. The kind most of us do on a daily basis, usually before breakfast. Then the aliens might fuck off and leave us alone.

Kevin Spacey or Kevin Bacon? Explain. (Note: The status of our relationship will be affected significantly by your answer.)

I’m guessing you want me to say Spacey. But I’m going to say Bacon just to piss you off. Nah, I really would choose the Bacon. Now I have to justify it? No problem. One word. Footloose. That was a seminal 80’s flick, right up there with the Breakfast Club and the Risky Business. There’s also the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon to consider. For those who don’t know, it’s a game based on the Six degrees of Separation theory. There’s a website called the Oracle of Kevin Bacon where you type in any name and it will link it to KB. Except mine, apparently. There isn’t an Oracle of Kevin Spacey. Know why? Because he isn’t cool enough. He might be the pretentious arty poser’s favourite, because of Usual Suspects and not much else, but he will never win the people’s vote. There are reasons for that. Ask anyone to name five Kevin Spacey films without Googling. They won’t be able to do it. Two more things that help my case is that Bacon was in the original Friday the 13th film. Not many people know that. And the killer is that he’s in a band with his brother. They are called the Bacon Brothers.

* Actually, I was hoping you’d say Bacon, because of Footloose. Our relationship remains strong and weird. For the record, Kevin Spacey is amazing and cool, and doesn’t get the respect and admiration he deserves. By admiration, I mean lustful fantasies. I love him. *

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Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?

Yes and no. I firmly believe there is much more to this world than a lot of us realize. But sticking a label on it would be a mistake. Things happen that we can’t explain. People see or experience weird shit all the time, and it’s usually easier to ignore the problem rather than try to address it. Charles Fort talked about having a ‘procession of the damned.’ By ‘damned’ he meant data mainstream science has deliberately excluded because it doesn’t fit the accepted theory. His mission was to collect this data and bring it to light, and he did a pretty good job. Don’t get me wrong, the world of the so-called paranormal is filled with bullshit. A lot of what you hear or see, especially in shows like Ghosthunters, isn’t what it appears to be. But I always say even if 99% is fabrication, disinformation, or plain old lies, the remaining 1% proves the existence of ‘something else’ and that’s all you need. Do I believe ghosts are the returning spirits of dead people? No. But there’s definitely something fucking going on.

* Oh, there’s something going on all right… *

Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t actually attracted to? Since I know your answer is yes, I’m just going to go ahead and ask you why you did it?

Alcohol.

* Enough said.*

Time for the Ink Blot. Tell us, Christian, what do you see in this?

christians-blot

I really wanted to see a panda. I like pandas a lot. It was close. But to be honest, I saw an alien’s skull.

Really? Hmm. *puts the straitjacket away* Thanks for playing along. You can pick up your prescription from the dwarf on the way out. Don’t look him in the eye.