As we’ve already explained in previous interviews, this is not a meet the author and find out all the writerly yawn-fest things he does kind of thing.
Surgeon general’s warning: reading these responses in a British accent puts you at risk for spontaneous sexiness overload. (Don’t sue us.)
Steve is a Brit who probably likes British things like bangers and avoiding physical contact. (Figure that one out, eh? We’ll wait). His book, SHOOT THE DEAD, was made into an audiobook this summer. Listen at your own risk.
What’s the last law you broke? Don’t lie.
The last law I broke was the law of averages. With my penis.
*Sorry to disappoint, but I’m pretty sure you’ll have to fight Tom Cruise for World’s Smallest Penis.*
If an alien abducted you tonight, what part of your body do you think they’d be most confused by?
My penis, as I often make braggadocios insinuations that it is larger than average. It’s not, though, not even a bit, and I can only assume the aliens would be confused. Also a disappointed and probably angry. “What a waste of a trip,” they’d probably say. “What a waste of space fuel.”
*I bet if I asked him what space fuel consisted of, the answer would be his penis.*
Is it really stalking if they know you’re there? Asking for a friend.
Well, my case worker says yes, but what does she know? She doesn’t even know I’m living in her attic. Silly cow.
*I’m telling your wife you called her a cow.*
What are the least dramatic circumstances it would take for you to kill someone?
Somebody discovering me in their attic.
*So now she’s just ‘somebody?’ Rude.*
Who is your favorite famous David? Explain.
Well, it’s David Bowie, obviously. Even though he’s dead, he’s still a lot more talented than most living Davids. This alone is a strong indicator that, if you must choose between famous Davids, always bet on Bowie.
*I don’t even have a smart-ass remark for that one. Bravo.*
WAIT, STEVE, YOU CAN’T LEAVE YET. Look at this thing. What is it?
That is a picture of a Tusken Raider playing peekaboo with its child. The child scares easily, but will return in greater numbers.
*Tonight’s nightmares brought to you by a tiny child battalion, armed with sharpened rattles and catapults filled with poo.*