Shrink Wrapped: Forbes West Edition

The following is a recording of an interview between myself (Doctor Katrina Monroe) and the primate known as “Forbes.” We’ve given him a banana and a typewriter and seems to have calmed down from his earlier spat with Doctor Miller. She should know better than to call him a monkey to his face, but FUCK ME if I should dare tell her how to do her job. I swear to God, no one is less appreciated in this place than me. So, yeah, listen to this thing if you want. I’ll be over here reading Forbes’ book, NIGHTHAWKS AT THE MISSION.

 Why are you such an ass?

I grew up on the streets of Chicago, picking blueberries in the spring and waving flags every fourth of July. People called me Shinebox, I used to make quarters off the big wigs in their blue suits coming off the train, shining their shoes, selling them loose cigarettes and hot sauce packets. I was happy then. But I woke up one day. I realized that when you die, that’s it, and nobody gives a damn of how good that basket of blueberries you picked ever was. I became a Communist at age 19, but there never again was any joy in my life other than the joy of screaming obscenities at children at Christmas, and letting the little bastards know that kids like them lost fingers and legs trying to put together their Iron Man action figures for nine cents a month.

*Anyone else got a craving for blueberry pancakes? No?*

No, really though.

Facebook is the longest joke about masturbation ever inflicted on the human race. Nothing can be taken seriously. I’m pointing out that fact every day. I’m a one man Facebook suicide machine. I’m the kamikaze of commentary.

*Note to self: disable Forbes’ Facebook. Watch the world crumble. Take over as the new Queen.*

Who do you like best, Hitler or Stalin?

Stalin won, Hitler lost, this isn’t a riddle. I’m a winner, I go with winners, I go with Stalinism, I go with the theory of socialism in one country and the aggravation of the class struggle under socialism and did I just blow your mind with real facts, you goddamn kulak witch?

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*Careful with that banana. You wouldn’t want to choke to death in your sleep.*

Describe yourself in three words. NONE of these words can contain the letter “e.”

Fabulous, Fantastic, Wonderful.

*SHENANIGANS! Wonderful has an “e” in it, you illiterate fuck.*

When the aliens finally show up and enslave us all, what archaic, humanoid custom will they be unwilling to part with once all other customs are destroyed?

Shoving tires onto people and setting them aflame as a crowd watches. That never gets old.

*So when you called me last night and said you were burning rubber, you were serious?*

If you were an opera singer, what species of horn would adorn your helmet?

Crystal Pepsi bottles.

*He’s obviously getting tired. Someone grab the Taser; it’s nap time.*

Give me the—no you—fucking god dammit—give me the goddamned banana, Forbes! Jesus. Here, look at this picture. Tell me what you see. What? No, Dr. Miller isn’t coming up behind you with the shocky thing. Whatever gave you that idea?

THE PICTURE FORBES!! What do you see in the picture?

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Looks like two werewolf heads in a ring of a salt ready to have a duel with their teeth.

*It’s obviously an eye, you freak. Nighty-night time for you.*

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Shrink Wrapped: Steve Wetherell Edition

As we’ve already explained in previous interviews, this is not a meet the author and find out all the writerly yawn-fest things he does kind of thing.

Surgeon general’s warning: reading these responses in a British accent puts you at risk for spontaneous sexiness overload. (Don’t sue us.)

Steve bioSteve is a Brit who probably likes British things like bangers and avoiding physical contact. (Figure that one out, eh? We’ll wait). His book, SHOOT THE DEAD, was made into an audiobook this summer. Listen at your own risk.

What’s the last law you broke? Don’t lie.

The last law I broke was the law of averages. With my penis.

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*Sorry to disappoint, but I’m pretty sure you’ll have to fight Tom Cruise for World’s Smallest Penis.*

If an alien abducted you tonight, what part of your body do you think they’d be most confused by?

My penis, as I often make braggadocios insinuations that it is larger than average. It’s not, though, not even a bit, and I can only assume the aliens would be confused. Also a disappointed and probably angry. “What a waste of a trip,” they’d probably say. “What a waste of space fuel.”

*I bet if I asked him what space fuel consisted of, the answer would be his penis.*

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Is it really stalking if they know you’re there? Asking for a friend.

Well, my case worker says yes, but what does she know? She doesn’t even know I’m living in her attic. Silly cow.

*I’m telling your wife you called her a cow.*

What are the least dramatic circumstances it would take for you to kill someone?

Somebody discovering me in their attic.

*So now she’s just ‘somebody?’ Rude.*

Who is your favorite famous David? Explain.

Well, it’s David Bowie, obviously. Even though he’s dead, he’s still a lot more talented than most living Davids. This alone is a strong indicator that, if you must choose between famous Davids, always bet on Bowie.

*I don’t even have a smart-ass remark for that one. Bravo.*

WAIT, STEVE, YOU CAN’T LEAVE YET. Look at this thing. What is it?

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That is a picture of a Tusken Raider playing peekaboo with its child. The child scares easily, but will return in greater numbers.

*Tonight’s nightmares brought to you by a tiny child battalion, armed with sharpened rattles and catapults filled with poo.*

Shrink Wrapped: Katrina Monroe Edition

As we’ve already explained in previous interviews, this is not a meet the author and find out all the writerly yawn-fest things she does kind of thing. Instead, we took questions a doctor or cop searching for a serial killer might ask and tweaked them a little. It’s been enlightening… and disturbing.

katrinaKatrina Monroe (Saete) is hilarious. Let’s just get that out of the way so I can get paid. Her most recent book, ALL DARLING CHILDREN, is possibly THE BEST THING EVER, so you should pick it up. If you’re a pussy who can’t handle some darkness, I have to ask what you’re doing here. Seriously, get out.

Now, she helped compile these questions, but had no control over what ones she got. She doesn’t like big surprises, so we had to do it that way or there’d be another “incident.”

Let’s see what we scraped out of her head.

What would you do if you found a dead body in your lover’s freezer?

Since my lover’s freezer is also my freezer, I would probably wonder if I’d been sleepwalking again. A person can only take so much Ambien before the dreams start showing up in the daytime. Wait. Is this a dream?

*Yes. Shouldn’t you be naked? *

Tom Hiddleston or Tom Cruise? Explain your answer

TOM CRUISE IS A BASTARD. YOU TELL HIM THAT. YOU TELL HIM AND THAT ASSHOLE ATTORNEY OF HIS THAT I WON’T BE BOUGHT, YOU HEAR ME?

dean-grimace

*Still upset about the “Tom” thing. Noted. *

 You’re stranded. Maybe it’s the end of the world. Who knows. What matters is the food situation is pretty damn sketchy. You’re starving. Your friends (no family survived. Sorry about your loss) are starving. Through a few heated rounds of rock, paper, scissors, it’s been decided you’re the first to be eaten. Would you rather they eat you piece by piece, keeping you alive, so you can also eat, thus ensuring everyone has a better chance at survival, even though you’ll have to eat yourself and watch others eating you, and probably lose a few limbs, or do you want them to just kill you and do what they must with your body?

You’re a sick fuck, Miller. Kill me and get it over with.

*We promised no judgments here, didn’t we? THIS IS A SAFE PLACE TO TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS. REMEMBER?! *

Have you ever lied about something just because you knew you could get away with it? Care to elaborate?

When I was in college, I decided to see how long I could get away with pretending to be British. Turns out the answer is a long fucking time, because I went to college in Florida, where high IQs are about as plentiful as snowfall.

*I love British accents. I bet they were all blinded by your sexiness. *

Tomorrow you wake up and you’re the opposite gender. What’s the first thought that comes to your mind and the first thing you do?

“Does this mean I get paid more now?” And, I’d probably pee on something. Because, duh.

*I’d pee on EVERYTHING. *

Now, tell me what you see in this picture:

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The ink blot is obviously two pigs, snouts thrust up in the air, fighting over an ugly dress.

I can’t believe you guessed what it was. Amazing.

Thanks for coming out. The dwarf has your meds. No, you may not have the knives back. They’re community property now. Maybe next time you’ll respect boundaries.

Shrink Wrapped: Tony Bertauski Edition

Welcome to our series of Meet the Dolls interviews we’re calling Shrink Wrapped. Before you run away, let me say these are not a meet the author and find out all the writerly things he does yawn-fest kind of thing. Instead, Katrina and myself (Renee) took questions a doctor or cop searching for a serial killer might ask and tweaked them a little. It’s been enlightening… and disturbing.

tonyLet’s begin with our first patient, Tony Bertauski. Tony is the author of amazing books like the Foreverland Series and The Socket Greeny Saga. He’s also seen a horse’s vagina. More on that later.

Tony’s most recent book, HUMBUG (The Unwinding of Ebenezer Scrooge): A Science Fiction Adventure, is just what you need to read during this festive season. (Even if you hate Christmas, you’ll like this book. If you don’t, you’re a monster.)

Let’s get to digging in Tony’s head, shall we?

Love or Money? Explain.

Love. Unless I’m super hungry.

* I totally understand that answer. *

How would you explain Facebook to an alien?

You know the arguments family have across the table at holidays? That on a global scale.

* Maybe that’s why everyone loves it so much? *

Describe yourself in three words. Now, describe the last person who stood ahead of you in line at the last store you went to in three words.

Hard to understand.

From another planet

*Is anyone else wondering where this man shops?*

The person you love and trust most in this world has called for your help. Keeping in mind you’d catch a grenade for this person, they’ve asked you to help hide a body. First, do you ask any questions and if yes, what questions. Second, do you do it?

We talking a baby, or an old man on his deathbed? Big dif. (Renee: We’re talking adult who probably would’ve lived for many years)

Depends on how much digging is involved.

Which animal do you find sexy and why? According to experts, human beings find at least one animal a little arousing, (that may or may not be true) so spill it.

I saw a close up pic of a horse vagina the other day from a friend who boards horses. Looked just like a vagina. Imagine that.

* Does that mean you find horses sexy? I’m going to go with yes. (makes a note) And now I can’t get that out of my head. *

Finally, tell us, Tony, what do you see in this inkblot:

tonys-blot

Two seahorses smoking genital pipes.

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I did not see that… until now. Thanks, Tony. Genital pipes… wow. Anyway, thanks for playing along. We always love when you come to our play dates. Your parting gift is this lovely genital pipe. Sorry, Forbes ate the seahorses. He’s a dick like that.

Check Out Our New Member

by Renee Miller

 

How’s your Sunday going? Lazy, I hope. Before I can get on with the lazy, there are updates to be posted. So, what’s up with the dolls? Well, we’re being disgustingly neglectful of this blog, but with good reason. We’re busy little bees. Also, everyone but me is kind of a jerk. (I’M JOKING FORBES. PUT THE MATCHES AWAY.)

First, say hello to the newest Deviant Doll, Frank E. Bittinger. Frank writes horror mostly, and he’s a tad eccentric. That’s how we like our dolls, right? Of course it is. Make sure to check out Frank’s book and stalk him a little. He likes that. He likes a lot of strange things, apparently.

What else? Well, Katrina Monroe (also known as Katrina Saete, because she got – ugh – married) FINALLY released her haunting Neverland re-telling, ALL DARLING CHILDREN in October via Red Adept Publishing. YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK. Get your ass and gear and do it.

Speaking of must-reads, Tony Bertauski has added another science fiction adventure to his list of only the best books ever. Humbug (the Unwinding of Ebenezer Scrooge) will be released on November 15th, BUT if you pre-0rder it, you’ll get it at the low price of just 99 cents. So what are you waiting for?

And Forbes West has also been doing things. Writerly things.  Like re-releasing his weird, but wonderful tale NIGHTHAWKS AT THE MISSION, via Auspicious Apparatus Press. Not only is his original story reworked, but there is bonus material you don’t want to miss. If you don’t buy it, he’s going to bitch and moan. We’ll have to tell him pretty things and hold him for a bit. Please, help us.

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Hanna Elizabeth has been quiet the past few months, but while being so, she’s released a haunting tale originally published in the FLYING TOASTERS anthology, titled THE MAN UPSTAIRS. A haunting little ghost story that’s perfect for a cold, dark night, as most are this time of year.

What’s what? Oh, that. It’s just Steve sobbing. He does that sometimes.

Speaking of Steve, I see you over there eagerly awaiting news about him, you frigging weirdo. If you haven’t already yet, check out his  Authors & Dragon’s podcast. HIL-ARIOUS. Steve is also working on new bookish things, but he hasn’t told us much about them yet. Stay tuned. Don’t worry, he’s only crying because he’s happy. Promise.

*Katrina, do something about him.*

The other funny-talking Doll, Christian Saunders, has a few short stories coming soon. Keep your eye on DeadMan’s Tome, because they’ll be publishing Christian’s SOMETHING BAD in mid-November. He tells us there is significant emphasis on black goo, so that’s intriguing.

And finally, there’s me. Well, I have a few novels “in progress,” such as a follow-up to Mind Fuck, called “Small’s Soldiers.” I know you’re all used to me publishing those rather quickly, but I’ve slowed down the past few months. Not because I’ve stopped writing. I’m just taking it easy and shit. By shit I mean I’m working on short fiction as well. Look for my latest, THE FRIDAY SPECIAL, on November 11th over at DarkFuse Magazine. It’s delicious, I promise.

I guess that’s all for now. Don’t forget to like our Facebook page for news, events and the occasional free goodies. We’re also planning a Christmas thing. It’ll involve festive days filled with little contests, freebies, new books, and possibly a virtual party. We know how you enjoy those. Stay tuned.